Have you ever been launched into an erotic high when your partner
suddenly held down your wrists in bed while pleasuring you?
Have you ever told your partner to keep on talking on the
phone while you teased him/her, watching him/her squirm to
concentrate on the phone conversation? Have you ever acted out
a fantasy with your partner that entailed spanking or tying
one or the other of you to the bed? These common activities
are examples of BDSM. However, BDSM also covers a wide range
of less common, more highly risky, and unusual practices as
well. In this section, we give an overview of what modern BDSM
is about.
BDSM: is a catch-all term covering a wide
variety of kinky interpersonal activities. The three main
categories are:
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B&D: Bondage and Discipline (also called BD) |
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D&S: Domination and Submission (also called DS or d/s) |
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S&M: Sadism and Masochism (also called SM) |
Probably the most famous descriptions of
BDSM come from the works of the Marquis de Sade in the late
1700s (although those descriptions are largely of activity
that is not clearly consensual). BDSM is depicted routinely in
art from the Middle Ages, and is the subject of some of the
earliest photography from the middle 1800s. (See, for example,
1000 Nudes. (Uwe Scheid Collection, Benedikt Taschen, Bonn,
1994). Pp.260-284, for some extraordinary turn-of-the-century
photos of consensual BDSM in France and Germany, including
thoroughly modern equipment and activities.)
Although the acronyms BDSM, D&S, and B&D
only arose in the last 15 or 20 years, the activities,
feelings, and emphases on consent and communication clearly
have longer histories. Erotic BDSM activity is accurately
described in the Karma Sutra of Vatsyayana. The variety of
possibilities in BDSM is at once a heady opportunity and a
surprising constraint. Every single person, every single
relationship, and every interaction is different.
It is helpful to think of BDSM activities
and experiences as divided into the physical and the
psychological. Physical activity covers anything that involves
interpersonal physical touch. Examples are bondage, a backrub,
sex, tickling, and the causation of pain by say, spanking or
whipping. Psychological activity covers the psychological
effects of punishment, praise, love, obedience, control,
orders, humiliation, etc., as well as the moods engendered by
ritual, symbolic, or religious activity, catharsis, rage, and
a variety of what are sometimes called “altered” states.
 Most
BDSM involves elements of both the physical and the
psychological. For example, a punishment may involve both a
caning and an emotional involvement between the partners.
Similarity, a fight scene or takedown involving overpowerment
also includes both physical and psychological elements.
Although most people explore some aspects of each category in
their play, many folks almost solely fall into one category or
another. Some people specialize entirely in bondage.
Others bottom only to sensation play
(physical interaction with no D&S overtones) but have no
desire to submit. Still others only explore domination and
submission, and rule out pain play or bondage or whatever does
not work for them personally. Some people bottom primarily to
pain. The same variety of play styles characterizes tops.
Each of the three terms – B&D, D&S and S&M –
traditionally conveys feelings and styles of play that go
beyond their denotations. There is a lot of overlap. These
terms arose at different times in different circumstances.
They get used by many people for many purposes. The terms are
not formally delineated; but nevertheless, each offers some
insight into both physical and psychological experiences that
are widespread. We will cover each in turn below.
A Bit of Vocabulary: BDSM activities between
consenting partners are sometimes called scenes, sessions, or
play. Implements, which might be common household items like
kitchen spoons, rope, or neckties, or specially made items
like handcuffs, floggers (a kind of multi-tailed whip), or
furniture with eyebolts, are called toys. The fact that we use
terms like play and toys, does not mean BDSM is for children
or that we think of what we are doing as a kind of lightweight
activity lacking in seriousness. Some BDSM is in fact very
light and playful, but other BDSM is serious and risky. These
terms have come to be used merely to have a way to talk about
BDSM. The person leading or initiating the BDSM activities is
called the top. The person following the top’s lead or being
done to is called the bottom. These terms originated from
missionary-position sex, where the male is literally on top of
his partner. However, in the context of BDSM they are quite
general and do not have any connotations about who is
positioned where. (See also the definitions of dom and sub
below).
Although some people are 100% top and some
are 100% bottom, the majority of folks switch, at least
occasionally. That is, many folks are sometimes bottom and
sometimes tip. This can be arranged in many different ways.
Sometimes partners take turns with each other. Other times,
someone will only top one partner and only bottom to some
other partner. One frequent way to explore BDSM is for a top
to begin by bottoming, or apprenticing, to a mentor – an
experienced top who can teach the person safety, ideas, style
and technique.
For some people, BDSM is a very sexual
activity. For others it is not associated with sex or sexual
arousal in any obvious way. For some people, BDSM is a
full-time (also called lifestyle or 24/7). For others, it is
confined to the bedroom. For yet others it is an activity to
engage in once every few months. What BDSM is about is often a
very personal experience, something to be worked out and
tailored between the partners, something that grows and
changes with the individuals and in their relationships.
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